Gratitude. Potential. Time. Ambition.

Marcus Aurelius once said "when you arise in the morning think of what a privilege it is to be alive, to think, to enjoy, to love" and this week the Stockbridge household was struck down by sickness, so I've had a lot of time in bed, resting, rewatching off campus and thinking too much about those words.

before we get into it here's your warning, we're going down a little bit of a rabbit hole *ੈ‧｡𖦹°‧𓃹

From a biological standpoint the chance of you living and existing right now is 1 in 400 trillion. Your parents had to meet, their respective parents too, as well as their grandparents, great-grandparents, great-great-grandparents and ancestors across the 300 thousand year existence of homo sapiens, so that one day there could be you. Had any of these meetings happened on a minutely different timeline, its pretty safe to say you wouldn’t be here. Thus, scientifically and by definition, you are a miracle (I love that for you)

Yet, the thing that has been at the forefront of my overthinking has not been the need to recognise the privilege in our individual human existence, this is striking and undeniable, but rather the surety in this quote that we will indeed arise each and every morning.

If you give me some leeway here, we kind of experience a little death every night. For 8 hours of sleep we have no idea that we are alive, we have no consciousness or awareness. No thoughts. No ability to do anything. Almost as if in sleep we cease to exist.

I am aware, sleep is not actually death, but is it not somewhat remarkable that we may spend hours in an unreachable and intangible place, an intermedian between existence and erasure that no one can describe or remember upon waking, where pain seems to dissipate, dreams are stored and fatigue is banished yet we can simply wake up and leave it? Is it not kind of magic that our brains can switch from complete barren, to the acute understanding of ourselves, our environments and entire lives prior to that period of oblivion through nothing more than opening our eyes and rising? Does our unrecognised privilege then not sit in existence as a won bet, lucky draw or a chance, but in the confidence that once we exist we continue, and our waking is not a question of if, but when.

The fear of going to sleep is an experience that is not wished upon ones worst enemy, where a healing, rejuvenating state turns to a place of vulnerability and leaving is not guaranteed. But today, with our global political climate, the presence of widespread violence and the expectation of 1 in 3 people to face life-limiting illness within their lifespan, this fear is palpable and yet we suredly drift in and out of sleep, in and out of liveliness without explanation.

That in itself is what I believe makes our waking so special.

That is why we must treat every day as it truly is: a new beginning. 

For everyday that you wake up you can begin again and again and again. Make mistake after mistake then let them die by the light of the moon knowing that you will start fresh with the rising of the sun.

Yes, just opening your eyes is a blessing, breathing and having access to a home, healthcare and education is that serious. So know that, count your blessings, take that awareness and humility into your life and allow yourself to become infatuated with the idea that at any given moment you are growing, learning and changing. Your potential is limitless, and you may explore it patiently.

Because time never stops. Literally. Time is never, has never and will never be still. Which is really fucking scary, but also kind of beautiful. Sure you can't get your time back, but that means that at this very second, as you read and breath you are becoming anew. Old cells are dying, new ones are growing, you are aging, evolving, living. Time is turning and moving constantly around us, forwards and longer, cementing yesterday as history and carving out space for tomorrow as the future. A future that is entirely yours to explore slowly, and intentionally, directing it with passion and kindness towards your desires.

So often, society tells us, and especially women that we are not grateful enough, that to have ambition is greedy, to be determined is obsession and a woman who is hungry is undesirable. We are taught to celebrate the bare minimum, to be sorry for our humanity, our hunger for education, success, love, sex, power, even food. Submission to quite desire is engrained both as expectation but also as protection, to avoid the people who will speak doubt to your plans, question their legitimacy and project there own unease onto your life.

But letting the world dictate that if your needs are satisfied then your life is therefore satisfactory, is ludicrous and the surest way to land yourself in unrest. Paralysed by the perception of your intentions as gluttony rather than gratitude synonymous with leading a life in the pursuit of continual happiness, building from the scaffolds of what you already have.

You are allowed to want more. You are allowed to look around and be overwhelmingly thankful for what you have, but that does not mean that to have desires beyond what is necessary, comfortable or beyond what you are told is enough makes you selfish or your goals unrealistic.

To desire something, to know your direction, is inspiring, but it also means that there is a thing already in existence and already is in someone else's possession that you want. Somebody else has it, has taken the steps to get it, so why shouldn’t you also be able to achieve it? and why, in seeking to challenge, improve or extend yourself to that goal would you be labelled greedy?

Your hunger is Human. Your curiosity is and extension of intuition. Your dreams celebrate life.

So I am going to have the audacity to make a beautiful little life for myself. A home where big lights are off limits and mandatory dancing is the cost of entry, filling it with good food, love and laughter. I'm going to be happy on purpose, have tea always in reach for no other reason than I like the warm feeling in my hands. I will read my books and take diligent care of myself, I'll chase the sun, the stars and the flowers and damn it, it will be wonderful. 

Maybe that is a little indulgent or even delusional, but time has no budget, so ill continue to ask it for more. Plus, we kind of owe it to ourselves and the 400 trillion different people that could’ve been alive in our place, to be wildly ambitious, to have confidence in ourselves, chase desire and achieve the things we said we would, or at the very least to try. To speak to the universe, its people and your own life in such a consistent way that if the sun one day didn't come up, that would be okay. We would be content with what was done.

In reality tomorrow is not promised and yesterday is gone, our existence is absolutely a question of the right place and right time and any one event can alter that. Still, no matter how this day goes, time will continue, tomorrow the sun will still rise, and in opening our eyes we can still choose to move with grace, tenacity and gratitude.

So lets talk soon, but when we meet again understand you will be different and so will I, not strangers but new people with new stories to share and my gosh isn't that cool!

sincerely yours in past present and future

audrey xxx