Soulmates

"Someone who completely understands you and loves you unconditionally. A meeting of minds and an undeniable connection. The person you can be your true self with and never worry about saying or doing the wrong thing"

- Tony Robbins

First and foremost, we probably all think about soulmates in a romantic aspect. Its safe to say the large majority of us in seeking romance are hoping to find a lifelong partner, someone to settle down with and grow with, whether that may be through marriage, starting a family or simply making the choice to age and learn along side another human being. To think that finding this person, who fits so well, and you want to exist with forever is fated, that your souls are meant for each other is powerful and beautiful and why wouldn't you want that? Romantic love is such a special thing, but the scope of soul mates being exclusive to it feels shockingly small to me. There are so many different types of love, all I consider to be as equally important and valuable, and could these forms and connections not also be where you find your soul mate? Where you are so truly and genuinely understood with love, but in the absence of romantics?

Outside of my family, and at this point in my life, I can only say that I have felt deeply and truly seen by another person a handful of times. Yes only a few, but when I really look at it, to have even one person in my life who sees and understands me so honestly at all is a blessing, so to think that multiple people have, is genuinely incredible.

I think the universe had to be backing me, like seriously gunning for me, because I spent so much of my life scared of being vulnerable with others in order to maintain a perception of perfection - we're leaving this in 2025 thankyou very much - yet I still managed to build such rare connections. However, I'll give myself some leeway about my somewhat (severely) closed of countenance because I don't think that there is an expectation in every conversation or relationship to be entirely vulnerable and spill the void of your deepest darkest secrets. Authenticity yes, Honesty always, but unmeasured expression has the ease to transform into a trauma dump - something most people don't want to hear after "how are you?"

In truth, the rarity of these deep connections in my life, may be put to the fact that I chose to exist, consciously or not, exclusively within my own bubble. Not just in my habits or the connections I maintained but in the subjects I would allow myself to talk about, and how I would talk about them. Crafting an invisible language barrier that encircled me, cutting off access and offering safety, from which I projected a style of speaking or (and I thought this line was really clever) "an accent of Audrey" that pushed people from seeing beyond what I wanted them too. Curating myself beyond a profile, but also feeling a compulsion to do so in my style of dress, and needing to be chronically organised, studious and attentive, and not only did I feel like I was boring everyone around me, I also felt so disjointed from myself.

Don't get me wrong, I am deep in the clutches of a slick back bun and "clean girl makeup" which some would describe as boring or basic. But still, when I look past the things I enjoyed then and continue to practice, I see so much of my life wasted avoiding voicing my opinions, choosing to dress in a way that would make me look stereotypically attractive or stylish, and making any attempt to hide my personality, petrified of the fact that someone could see the so called "real me" and that still, they might not like it.

But if someone doesn't like you for you, then what's the point? Is it not so much better to be truly and authentically ourselves? Because Yes, where the strategic erasure of your personality in attempts to blend in or appear more likeable is boring, your authenticity is magnetic and it’s no surprise that in these cases where I’ve found people who understand me, I have also felt the most true to myself.

These people, entered my life and did not demand, but found and embraced my vulnerability. They saw me at my absolute worst and kept looking. They stayed to watch and support and celebrate my successes without envy but an excitement and tenacity that helped me to continue. Although it feels like I blinked and they miraculously understood me, they wanted to know me, and somehow without me knowing they burst into my bubble and started speaking my language.

When it comes down to it, I guess I can say I do believe in soul mates, Just not in the usual expectation of the word. For the longstanding and deepest intimacy that I have felt and maintained has been in the absence of romance, with the friends who have made me feel the most me. When our conversations can jump from pop culture drama, to the materialisation of human beings, the diabolically difficult sequence in pilates that morning, the stars and then somehow back to a stupid TikTok we saw earlier that day, it is nonlinear, messy but its true.

All in all you could say this piece is just an ode to how much I love my friends, but please, If you've found this type of connection, in any of its forms, hold onto it, nurture it, because it is so ridiculously rare. Whether it is romantic, a friendship, your best friend, a family member, a cousin, your person or your people can come flying at you from any direction. If you're thinking of them, or when you do find them, tell them what they mean to you, because we truly don't do it enough. I mean NOW, text them, call them, run into the living room and tell them, RIGHT NOW, and I’m gonna do it too.

So to my Clemmy, my Poochles, thank you, because you showed me that friends can be soul mates too.

so much love,

- A xoxo

(p.s book review will be late this month aahhh im sorry)